Sadly, this reality most hazardously plays itself out in the home. Yes, it’s a corporate and government tactic too. But where it hits below the belt is when “moving the goalposts” occurs within the space that is supposed to be your own castle. Simply reading this article evoked countless memories of “The Queen” announcing and pronouncing every false label on “The King”, that was never deserved or warranted. I tried everything….appeasement, avoidance, compromise, “understanding”, fighting back, retreating……nothing worked.
A few years ago, at the encouragement of Jonathan, I began praying Psalm 125 every day. After some time, I invited “The Queen” to start praying it with me. Did this “solve” everything? No, but mysteriously dynamics slowly shifted over time. And my response when “The Queen” was tempted by demons to attack her “King”, changed. I started not moving. Like the King on a chess set. His mobility is limited. The Queen, in chess has the greatest range of mobility. She’s all over the place.
“Those who trust in Jesus Christ are like mount Zion that cannot be moved……..”. I’m by no means perfect in “absolute stability”. But I’ve discovered the less I move, the less attempts to overthrow and control the castle takes place. Moving goalposts becomes less effective (and attractive) if you are using them on someone who isn’t moving.
Another amazingly insightful article from Jonathan about how spiritual warfare plays itself out in lived human relationships and dynamics.
Thank you!
P.S. It’s hard to beat an opponent at chess who patiently chooses to keep the Queen piece right beside the King…….as opposed to using the Queen as an attack piece…….in other words…..the accuser isn’t as good of a chess player as he self proclaims to be……he way over uses the Queen and it’s predictable…….
What strikes me most, and what I’m still trying to understand, is how often this “game” of shifting standards is neither fully intentional nor consciously malicious on the part of the person defining the goals. It feels like a sort of invisible home turf advantage where the rules keep changing without announcement, which leaves the other person feeling like they’re chasing a target that never settles. I've been caught up in this game and it is a life-sucking wormhole, no doubt.
And it's a thousand times more painful/difficult when the person doing the shifting is someone we care about deeply... like a parent or child, where the stakes aren’t just “right vs. wrong,” but connection, trust, and love.
One thing that helped me in my struggles was getting out of my head and onto paper...literally writing by hand (no typing) letters to my post-shifter and having them do the same (even if never sent). It revealed, time and again, that we weren’t even arguing about the same thing... our “rules” were different from the start, so we both were guilty (at times) of seemingly shifting the posts. But in reality were both simply aiming at different targets.
In your experience, how do you discern when the other person really is moving the goalposts for control vs when they’re genuinely unsure of their own criteria or communicate them poorly? Are there ways you’ve found to address that distinction without escalation... especially in close relationships?
Thank you again for all of your insight, admittedly, I miss the days of regular clips from worldview everlasting taking heavy topics and peppering them with random internet memes. Rock On and Read the Psalms.
1. You can usually tell it’s control when your good-faith efforts are treated as further evidence against you rather than as progress. It’s more likely confusion when they can admit inconsistency without resorting to making it personal punishment. Dialogue between disagreement looks like collaboration. When you ask, “What would success look like in one sentence, and will that still be true tomorrow?” a controlling pattern dodges, reframes, or moralizes. A confused pattern pauses, thinks, and clarifies. Confusion can be clarified without shame, but control requires you to absorb the fault.
Parents of an estranged child take note of this excellent article.
Sadly, this reality most hazardously plays itself out in the home. Yes, it’s a corporate and government tactic too. But where it hits below the belt is when “moving the goalposts” occurs within the space that is supposed to be your own castle. Simply reading this article evoked countless memories of “The Queen” announcing and pronouncing every false label on “The King”, that was never deserved or warranted. I tried everything….appeasement, avoidance, compromise, “understanding”, fighting back, retreating……nothing worked.
A few years ago, at the encouragement of Jonathan, I began praying Psalm 125 every day. After some time, I invited “The Queen” to start praying it with me. Did this “solve” everything? No, but mysteriously dynamics slowly shifted over time. And my response when “The Queen” was tempted by demons to attack her “King”, changed. I started not moving. Like the King on a chess set. His mobility is limited. The Queen, in chess has the greatest range of mobility. She’s all over the place.
“Those who trust in Jesus Christ are like mount Zion that cannot be moved……..”. I’m by no means perfect in “absolute stability”. But I’ve discovered the less I move, the less attempts to overthrow and control the castle takes place. Moving goalposts becomes less effective (and attractive) if you are using them on someone who isn’t moving.
Another amazingly insightful article from Jonathan about how spiritual warfare plays itself out in lived human relationships and dynamics.
Thank you!
P.S. It’s hard to beat an opponent at chess who patiently chooses to keep the Queen piece right beside the King…….as opposed to using the Queen as an attack piece…….in other words…..the accuser isn’t as good of a chess player as he self proclaims to be……he way over uses the Queen and it’s predictable…….
Jesus Christ is the only way. God's peace be with you. Amen.
What you described feels painfully familiar.
What strikes me most, and what I’m still trying to understand, is how often this “game” of shifting standards is neither fully intentional nor consciously malicious on the part of the person defining the goals. It feels like a sort of invisible home turf advantage where the rules keep changing without announcement, which leaves the other person feeling like they’re chasing a target that never settles. I've been caught up in this game and it is a life-sucking wormhole, no doubt.
And it's a thousand times more painful/difficult when the person doing the shifting is someone we care about deeply... like a parent or child, where the stakes aren’t just “right vs. wrong,” but connection, trust, and love.
One thing that helped me in my struggles was getting out of my head and onto paper...literally writing by hand (no typing) letters to my post-shifter and having them do the same (even if never sent). It revealed, time and again, that we weren’t even arguing about the same thing... our “rules” were different from the start, so we both were guilty (at times) of seemingly shifting the posts. But in reality were both simply aiming at different targets.
In your experience, how do you discern when the other person really is moving the goalposts for control vs when they’re genuinely unsure of their own criteria or communicate them poorly? Are there ways you’ve found to address that distinction without escalation... especially in close relationships?
Thank you again for all of your insight, admittedly, I miss the days of regular clips from worldview everlasting taking heavy topics and peppering them with random internet memes. Rock On and Read the Psalms.
1. You can usually tell it’s control when your good-faith efforts are treated as further evidence against you rather than as progress. It’s more likely confusion when they can admit inconsistency without resorting to making it personal punishment. Dialogue between disagreement looks like collaboration. When you ask, “What would success look like in one sentence, and will that still be true tomorrow?” a controlling pattern dodges, reframes, or moralizes. A confused pattern pauses, thinks, and clarifies. Confusion can be clarified without shame, but control requires you to absorb the fault.
2. Ain't nobody got time for that! :D Worldview Everlasting was a season that my carpal tunnel is glad to leave behind. But you can hear me teach Scripture on Saved (https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL_Mg5Zb0HKhAALKb2QIn79trv3VQKex8Q) and listen to me take on topics an Starfall Updates (https://open.spotify.com/show/5JyFaNyI0azLx8LXvGmIwx?si=ef8559ef01c5408d). I haven't changed that much. But the world sure has....
you're not kidding, sir -- thank you