Ziklag 11.13 - Becoming Us

The Real Deal on Identity, Conflict, and Harmony in Marriage

Welcome to the next level of understanding marriage—not just as two people together, but as two people fully being themselves, growing through each other. This isn’t just about merging into one; it’s about becoming better as two. We’ll dive into philosophy (William James knew a thing or two), psychology, and, of course, biblical wisdom to give you a foundation that respects both individuality and the bond you’re building. The goal? To help young couples approach conflict, growth, and understanding in a way that builds strength—not drama.

Why William James?

James wasn’t just a thinker; he understood the power of personal identity. He believed that who we are is always flowing—a “stream of consciousness,” not some label that locks us into a role. Marriage works best when each partner respects that flowing, acknowledging that while you’re in this together, you’re still unique individuals with dreams, fears, and strengths that stand alone. Neither of you are static. Neither of you are “this” or “that” no matter what. Each of you are you, and together you are you, too.

In this, James gives us a simple, anit-Freudian blueprint in the respect distinction between “me” and “we.”

Foundations of Identity: “I Am Me”

In James’ world, identity isn’t a rigid set of traits; it’s a constant flow. Each of us carries an evolving self that’s always responding to life. In marriage, recognizing your partner as this dynamic person, not just a spouse, builds a space where both of you can be fully yourselves. It’s about honoring each person’s journey so that the relationship grows stronger through your differences, not despite them.

Exercise: The “I Am” Statement

Each partner takes time to write a brief “I am” statement that reflects their unique qualities, values, and personal goals. This exercise helps build self-awareness and mutual respect, reminding each partner of the whole person they’re committed to, not just a role or title.

Respect as the Core of Marriage

Respect isn’t about tolerating quirks; it’s about valuing your partner’s entire journey. You’re not here to change each other but to grow alongside one another. Using “I” statements helps here—sharing feelings instead of accusations. Admiration exercises, where you acknowledge qualities you truly value in each other, create a foundation of respect that holds steady through any challenge.

Exercise: Three Things I Admire About You

Each partner takes a moment to share three qualities they admire in each other. This simple exercise reinforces positive perceptions and strengthens mutual appreciation, building a foundation that can stand even in the face of conflict.

Conflict as Co-Creation, Not Competition

Marriage isn’t about avoiding fights; it’s about fighting well. Instead of seeing conflict as a threat, see it as co-creation—a chance to shape the relationship together. Recognize the cycle of empathy turning into pride and causing friction. By identifying the pattern and pausing before reacting, you keep things constructive. Conflict handled with respect doesn’t tear down; it builds up.

Exercise: Reflective Listening Practice

Partners take turns sharing an experience or feeling, with the other listening actively and reflecting back what they hear. Avoid adding personal perspectives here; the listening partner simply paraphrases using phrases like, “It sounds like you felt… because….” This approach respects individuality and keeps conversations open.

The Empathy Paradox

Empathy can be the heartbeat of intimacy, especially through the gift of touch, and in the way a mother teaches a child to see others. But if empathy does not grow into sympathy, it eventually must become projection—the assumption your partner’s feelings on the basis of the experience of your own. This “projected empathy” may feel like an attempt to connect but will often comes off as judgment.

The solution? Receptive sympathy—listening actively, asking questions, and allowing each other’s emotions to stand as they are, without letting yourself be pressured into being less than you.

Exercise: Receptive Empathy Check-In

During discussions, pause and ask questions to confirm you’re understanding correctly. Instead of assuming your partner feels the same way you do, listen and accept their perspective without overlaying your own emotions or assumptions.

Building a Matrimony Home

Marriage isn’t just a house you share; it’s a home you build. With shared values like trust and support, you create a sanctuary that stands firm against life’s storms. When those storms come, approach them as builders, not fighters. By working together, you’re laying bricks of resilience, trust, and unity that will endure.

Exercise: Home Values

Together, identify three to five core values to anchor your marriage. These serve as guiding principles, offering stability and clarity, especially during challenging times. As a team, return to these values when making decisions or facing conflict.

The Will to Be Together

Every day, you choose each other again. It’s not about losing yourself; it’s about bringing your whole self to the table. Regular affirmations—whether through gratitude, patience, or support—strengthen your commitment. Commitment isn’t just a feeling; it’s a conscious decision that keeps you grounded as you grow individually and together.

Exercise: Commitment Vow Practice

Each partner writes a small, daily commitment to the relationship, such as expressing appreciation or practicing patience. Sharing these commitments creates a relationship grounded in intentionality, deepening trust over time.

Conclusion: Becoming “Us” in Grace

James’ “I Am Me” mantra holds in marriage too. You’re two people on a shared journey, growing stronger through your differences. And grace? That’s the glue. It’s what allows forgiveness and resilience to grow, giving you both a place to be fully known, accepted, and loved. So here’s to becoming “us”—a team that’s solid, real, and ready for anything.